A Guide to College Parties

1. The Pre-Game
As we all know, this is an excuse to have friends over so they can a) make sure your outfit is the right mix of slutty and girl-next-door cute (and so you can test it dancing to all the Ke$ha they won't play at the party), b) bring you alcohol, and c) establish a code word for "SOS come save me" for those times when the creepy guy at the frat wants to dance.  An essential part of any night.
2. The Entrance
Obviously this requires perfect timing.  Arrive too early, and you're stuck in a cycle of awkward until everyone else gets there; too late and they're out of jungle juice and cute single guys.  When you do arrive, make the rounds-- say hello, grab a drink, sign up for pong.
3. The Party
Dance, drink, talk to people, play games.  Kiss someone cute if you feel like it. Done.
4. The After-Party
Here we have several options:
a) you've hit gold, and are going home with someone! You go, Glen Coco.
b) you're going to another party/bar/club/event-- once again, go you! (check schwastey levels first though cause once you're all the way there it's lame to leave early)
c) your friends abandoned you for boys and/or alcohol, but you're tired and want to leave.  You walk home alone/get a ride.  Not the best of options, but you do you.
d) you leave with your friends-- either you have a fun and/or exhausting walk/ride back to your dorms recapping the night, or you stop and get drunk food, which is always better if you don't remember it the next morning.  Often the most fun option.
5) The Morning After Security Patdown
First, are you in your own room? Do you have all your important possessions? The shoes you wore last night, your phone ID & keys, your dignity? Good, it's time to move to the technology portion of today's program.  To the phone-- any drunk texts? missed calls? incoherent tweets/Facebook statuses/blurry Instagrams? Super embarrassing tags on Facebook? You're doing great so far, keep it up! It's now time to investigate your room and your health-- is there a large mess? any sign of vomit? how is your makeup-- on, off, or smudgy?  Any strange bruises? Scratches? Headache? Drink some water, take some Advil, suck it up.  It's time for brunch*!
6) Brunch* (alcohol optional, but always fun)
Text your besties, it's time to recap sober.  Who went home with who? And OMG did you see Courtney table dancing at the after party? Gossip best served with a side of fruit salad and mimosas.
7) Recovery
Whether you drunk brunched or not, by now you probably need a nap before finishing your homework for Monday or the second season of Scandal.  This is absolutely acceptable and expected; anyone who knows you should know not to contact you between one and four on post-party days.
8) Repeat!
Duh.

How to become famous- a twelve-step plan for the unfamous.

As any graduate of an X Anonymous program knows well, twelve-step plans have been scientifically proven to be useful, as twelve is the perfect number of steps so as not to be too few nor too many. I have combined this strenuously researched data with my desire for this blog to become wildly successful in order to create my own dodecahedral plan that I am testing myself.  Without further ado, I present...

How to Become Famous: A Well-Tested Twelve-Step

Program for the Unfamous

1. It is not enough to simply Talk the Talk, you must also Walk the Walk. In this case, turtles are good methods of footwear/locomotion. You should start practicing being divamatic right away, and refuse to go anywhere without turtles supporting your feet.  After all, you carry the weight of great knowledge on your shoulders.
2. It is very important to believe in yourself.  The power of such methods as visualization and self-affirmation have been widely used in sports psychology, but as a celebrity merely for your own wonderful self, you must take this one step further.  This next step involves demanding others assist you in your plans, or else it will be their responsibility when you fail.  It is important to have both a loyal fan base and a loving support system, both of which can be found in your close friends and relatives.  With this in mind, I strongly encourage you to prevail upon them to refer to you only by such flattering appellations as "Princess Fantastic von Supreme Leader of the Universe" or "Grandmaster Smartypants, Duke of Mars."  Wearing a crown or tiara is not required, but helps add to your mystique, a vital element of fame.
3. Whenever making a public appearance, assume a simple, easily-discernible disguise.  The point here is not true concealment, but again, the aura of mystery.  Who is this person wearing dark sunglasses and a blue wig? Is it Amanda Bynes? No, it's Grandmaster Supreme! It's the Royal Baby! It's you! (For further instruction on this matter, see Jaden Smith's disguise on a romantic outing with Kylie Jenner.)
4. Speaking of romantic outings, you should have some.  Preferably several, with various persons. It is important that the public not know who you really appreciate the company of.  The more PDA, the better--  only a true celebrity would be so used to the paparazzi as to ignore them!
5. Shameless self-promotion.  While one would think this would be self-explanatory, or at least easy to follow the examples of several set by media moguls (*cough* Ke$ha *cough* Ryan Lochte *cough* Kardashians *cough* I secretly love all of these people and this is probably why), let me lay it out for you. Take to Twitter! Fly to Facebook! Mush your sled dogs to MySpace (although if you're still using MySpace you clearly have no devotion to becoming famous and you should quit now, before you make a (bigger) fool of yourself. THIS ADVICE IS RELEVANT TO ALL PERSONS, EVEN IF YOU ONLY USE YOUR MYSPACE ACCOUNT TO PROMOTE YOUR INDIE HIPSTER PUNK JAZZ BAND.)  Get your name out there, and don't be shy about telling people why you're awesome. Or why you're not awesome, because then look how self-deprecating and down-to-earth and relatable you are! If you're not trending on Twitter by next week you haven't taken this step seriously enough. Go enlist the masses and try again.
6. If you are trending on Twitter, good job! You may continue reading. The next key step to being famous is to take fashion risks.  Good ones, bad ones-- all the stars have both, and all of them do it.  Even those who are famous for other things and clearly have no taste whatsoever create clothing lines or makeup collections or perfume ads! Why, you ask? Is it for the money? Of course not, I say.  It is absolutely unequivocally 100% in all cases for love of the game. So take a fashion risk.  Wear a bikini to school. Oh, you got kicked out? Sweet, now you're that girl who wore a bikini to school! Or if you're a dude, that dude who wore a bikini!
7. Create your own twelve-step plan or self-help book. Flaws make you interesting, and also as an up-and-coming star, you are clearly in a position to give advice.
8. Wear big hats. They look great. At least on me.  If they don't look great on you, please refer back to steps 3 & 6, and wear big hats anyway.
9. Make a sex tape! It was a big thing when MySpace was cool.  Just kidding, don't do that.  Anything that was cool when MySpace was cool is now not cool and should be strenuously avoided. (see step 5. if you do this, you are a lost cause.) Also, there is no step nine, because it is Naughty Number Nine (which is from Schoolhouse Rock and on the level of MySpace and sex tapes (get it, nine is naughty? ;) ) and none of this is fabulous, aren't you listening? Seriously, don't make a sex tape. Ugh, so passé.
10. Public fights.  Twitter fights are sometimes better, because the 140-character limit allows you to not fully explain yourself and remain mysteriously passive aggressive while showing off your grammatical witticisms and masterful command of TXTSPK LOL, but physical fights are definitely also celeb-worthy. I expect lots of hair-pulling and shouts of "Oh HELL no, that's my weave!" *disclaimer- physical fights are only effective if you win or if there is no clear winner. No one wants to see you lose, because if you lose then you're a loser and not a winner and thus not famous.
11. Go to rehab for that nasty drug habit you've developed from the stress of translating all your clever thoughts into textspeak to publish for your loyal followers on Twitter.  If you haven't developed a nasty drug habit, go to rehab for being too nice. Heck, go to rehab for problems you don't even have! That shows you are both stressed from all the struggles of being famous and proactive, thus cementing your position as an advice-giver (see step 7).
12. Make a crossover to another talent field.  If you act, make an album! If you sing, make a music video! If you are the boyfriend of the stepdaughter of an Olympian, get on a hit reality TV show! Oh wait... did I forgot to mention talent in the qualifications for using this plan? Huh. My bad.

How to Survive A Horror Movie

How to survive, should you find yourself in an unpleasant movie
1. Don't go into the basement/attic/water closet/back alley/furnace room. If you are in a horror movie, call 911.


2. If you are with other people, stay together. DO NOT SPLIT UP. If you are alone, find/call someone or you are screwed.


3. Do not stop and talk to strangers. Strange men, women, men-women, animals, bears, just don't do it. Also, the car lurking outside your house probably does not wish you things you will appreciate. Like cookies.

4. Any type of masks or tomfoolery in costume is to be avoided. There will inevitably be some creeper creepin', cause that's what they do best.

5. If you are teenagers in a horror movie alone in the woods and you start hearing strange noises/start taking strange drugs, just give up now. You're already screwed. Except for you. And the murderer.

6. If you somehow manage to escape your personal torture, RUN AWAY. Do not stop and try to lock the doors, do not round corners quickly, do not make loud noises, RUN. Go get help, some for your probable PTSD, but mostly help like the police. Do not go with the police back there, they might be corrupt/leave you alone/decide it's perfectly safe after all and you should stay there for the next five weeks on extended leave for work. Go towards the road. Find a vehicle without scary people in it. Drive quickly to the nearest town. If your vehicle stops, hide. Then run. If you make it to town, discreetly rent a room in the most popular hotel in town. Quickly make friends with your busboy, so they can identify you to the police if you later turn up dead, or so he won't sell you out to your scary new "friend." If, after all this, you still decide to continue your vacation, do not pick up persons of unknown origin and do not take them home. This includes monsters, aliens, creepers, people who won't show you their face, people who look sketchy, etcetera. (Hey, maybe don't do this anyway!)

7. Don't do anything Harry Potter wouldn't do. Don't do anything Paris Hilton would do.\

Good luck! And in honor of Halloween, BOO!

(***DISCLAIMER*** If any of this happens to you in real life, be smart. Call the police. Mostly just be smart.)

If I were a secret agent

If I happened to be a secret agent...

• I would sign all my communications, "Bugs and Missiles" instead of "Hugs and Kisses"



• I would speak in one of those clicky languages (members of the Khoisan language family) but with tonal differences and mixed with Morse code at random. This, hopefully, would prevent interception and decodement.



• I would have an extremely extensive collection of disguises cached at some easily accessible but well-hidden and secure location.



• I would carry a kit with me at all times to avoid silly mistakes occurring due to lack of supplies, which would include items such as a pocketknife, a real knife, rope, a screwdriver, basic first aid, a bathing suit, a pocket radio, lipstick and other "necessary disguise items" (also good in the event of Stockholm Syndrome or need of a distraction), a mirror, a magnifying glass, (both for starting fires if necessary), a writing utensil of sorts, granola bars, a compass, glue, a hidden camera, an umbrella gun a la assassin of Georgi Markov, and a lighter. These would of course all be hidden on my person, double as jewelry, shoes, etc., or be very small so as to not be cumbersome. (@Katrina, @ Nora, @Lisa)

Despite the posting of this on the very public Internet, I would be very secret about all of this were it actually true or likely to become so. Being a secret agent would be totally awesome.

In light of the fact that I think it would be totally awesome, maybe it wouldn't be the best career path for me, and maybe I should stop watching James Bond movies on USA or TNT or TCM. Still...

My quest to become The Ultimate Nugget Master.

Ever since I was small, I have harbored a deep and abiding love for pranks and practical jokery. Sadly, as an only child, I lack opportunities to express this conviction and prove my value as a joker (or as a Riddler, even.) However, this will no longer hinder my progress. From now on, I shall vow to become the best and most sneaky pranker ever. Since there is a dearth of villains who are hiring plotting assistants in my neighborhood, I have had to set my sights on a title no villain has as of yet achieved. And no, that is not only because I have recently created it. God, have a little faith.
This title I strive to claim can be described simply as "The Ultimate Nugget Master."
Although Urban Dictionary has an alternate definition for nuggeting listed as well, I am referring to the act of turning the backpack (usually of a friend, but also for enemies) inside out and replacing all items, hopefully without getting caught. Once the backpack is full, inside out, and re-zipped, it looks like a nugget, hence the term. It has become my mission to be the most successful nuggeteer the world has ever seen.
So far, in prior attempts to reach this goal, I have:
a) Successfully nuggeted several of my friends' backpacks, pencil cases, and lunch bags
b) Successfully nuggeted one coat
c) Successfully, though somewhat painfully, nuggeted one water bottle

d) Unsuccessfully attempted to nugget various items, though these are far outweighed by my successes
and e) Claimed the title with ruthless abandon and disregard for the claims of others.
I think I'm pretty qualified.
HOWEVER, certain others who shall not be named think I should do something "big", such as nuggeting the bag of our principal, or someone's car. I've told them time and time again that this would require highly specialized equipment, like a blowtorch or a garbage compactor, but I guess they just aren't listening... Ah well. The lack of competition undeniably proves that this title should be mine. Plus the water bottle. I think perhaps I have achieved my goal. Isn't it true that any great revolutionary faces those doubters who cannot be dispelled of their beliefs? It is.

Congratulations to me! In celebration, I think I deserve ice cream. Yum.

Meet K, my pal.

Meet K. She is awesome. She has two eyes, two ears, one nose, and one mouth. She has many things to say with said mouth. Here she is.
Um, hey. how's it going? today is Friday, and, as a guest blogger, i would like to give a shoutout to our best friends in the whole wide universe. their names are [redacted] and [redacted], and they are silly but we love them. now on to more serious matters. as previously mentioned, it is Friday. the sky is gray and the air is slightly moist. and i will be right back becuase i am going to get a cookie.
Okay i'm back. i would like to discuss the problem of watching a scary show late at night when you are home all alone. it does bad things for the nerves. especially when there are lots of mirrors nearby.
another thing i would like to discuss is the importance of dark chocolate in a well-balanced diet. it has lots of antioxidants. and it tastes good. and it makes your body comfortable, hence the term comfort food. blueberries are good too. and so is facebook. i also really like nail polish. i have a lot of it. currently my nails are painted electric blue. it is a very uplifting color. i am running out of unrelated consistencies to speak about, so i will say goodbye now. goodbye.

Traffic signs are more ridiculous than your haircut.

As most self-respecting teenagers do (with the minor exception of many of my close personal friends), I have recently learned to drive. Well, technically I am still learning. I just like thinking I'm fully prepared. In any case, part of this process includes learning to recognize all the obscure, esoteric road signs I will ten-to-one never happen upon during my travels. But despite their lack of frequent occurrence, I will know them forever anyway.
But even though I'll admit they're cursed useful, I am not going to let their roadly wisdom distract me from making fun of their shapes and colors. Just because they are important does not qualify as reasonable doubt for exemption from mocking, particularly in light of their recent attempts to imitate building blocks for very, very large children. So. Let the fun begin!
STOP SIGNS: No. Why don't you stop mocking me, with your bright red octagonal form, and your extra-clear letters, most often spelling out S-T-O-P? Had I designed you, you would be quite well-shaped, with a triangular body, because everyone always stops to look at triangles (they mean mountains on maps, and mountains are good things to be aware of, so triangles might have information to impart), and you would have a skin tone in a nice shade of yellow. Yellow is reminiscent of... well, I don't know exactly what, but it makes people stop. And it is more eye-catchingly bright.
YIELD SIGNS: Yes, well. Yield signs really are fine, it's their message that should be improved upon. As a new driver, I'm still just learning to pay attention to the road, and it's quite irritating to have to pay extra attention to a sign telling me to pay attention to the road because there are going to be things in it. Probably not noticing the sign would allow me to slow down faster. But were I to redesign them, they would be round, with a green border.
RAILROADS: Honestly, railroad signs irk me. While they do let you know what's going on, they really just aren't that pleasant to look at. I think it's probably the whole intersecting-diagonal-lines-across-the-middle-of-a-circle thing. It just... interrupts the aesthetic flow.
SPEED LIMITS: If I had my way, these would be the red signs. Regulatory signs seem like they should take a more cautionary tone than simple black and white- to really get the point across, they should definitely use more colorful language. 45 MPH!!! is way more scary than 45 MPH. Besides which, I really just disappreciate the presumed need for limiting speed in general- why go somewhere if you can't there fast? And why would anyone attempt to interrupt my leaving as late as possible? I'm a growing girl, I need my sleep!
MOOSE CROSSING SIGNS: Okay, these are just awesome. I can think of nothing snarky to say about a Moose Crossing Sign. Moose are simply too wonderful and also scary to be commented on.

(yes, I took this, stopping in the middle of a state highway. oops.)

Honestly, I'm not a scary driver- I don't yell out the car window, I don't crash into things, I don't even drive over the speed limit (well, not very much, anyway). The worst thing I do is start talking like a Valley Girl when I get super-stressed. I just think that there are rather an overwhelming lot of signs to pay attention to, and it might be simpler to adhere to them all if they corresponded to my personal preferences, that's all.

Olivia Inc., redesigning traffic signs since last week ©