As any graduate of an X Anonymous program knows well, twelve-step plans have been scientifically proven to be useful, as twelve is the perfect number of steps so as not to be too few nor too many. I have combined this strenuously researched data with my desire for this blog to become wildly successful in order to create my own dodecahedral plan that I am testing myself. Without further ado, I present...
How to Become Famous: A Well-Tested Twelve-Step
Program for the Unfamous
- It is not enough to simply Talk the Talk, you must also Walk the Walk. In this case, turtles are good methods of footwear/locomotion. You should start practicing being divamatic right away, and refuse to go anywhere without turtles supporting your feet. After all, you carry the weight of great knowledge on your shoulders.
- It is very important to believe in yourself. The power of such methods as visualization and self-affirmation have been widely used in sports psychology, but as a celebrity merely for your own wonderful self, you must take this one step further. This next step involves demanding others assist you in your plans, or else it will be their responsibility when you fail. It is important to have both a loyal fan base and a loving support system, both of which can be found in your close friends and relatives. With this in mind, I strongly encourage you to prevail upon them to refer to you only by such flattering appellations as "Princess Fantastic von Supreme Leader of the Universe" or "Grandmaster Smartypants, Duke of Mars." Wearing a crown or tiara is not required, but helps add to your mystique, a vital element of fame.
- Whenever making a public appearance, assume a simple, easily-discernible disguise. The point here is not true concealment, but again, the aura of mystery. Who is this person wearing dark sunglasses and a blue wig? Is it Amanda Bynes? No, it's Grandmaster Supreme! It's the Royal Baby! It's you! (For further instruction on this matter, see Jaden Smith's disguise on a romantic outing with Kylie Jenner.)
- Speaking of romantic outings, you should have some. Preferably several, with various persons. It is important that the public not know who you really appreciate the company of. The more PDA, the better-- only a true celebrity would be so used to the paparazzi as to ignore them!
- Shameless self-promotion. While one would think this would be self-explanatory, or at least easy to follow the examples of several set by media moguls (*cough* Ke$ha *cough* Ryan Lochte *cough* Kardashians *cough* I secretly love all of these people and this is probably why), let me lay it out for you. Take to Twitter! Fly to Facebook! Mush your sled dogs to MySpace (although if you're still using MySpace you clearly have no devotion to becoming famous and you should quit now, before you make a (bigger) fool of yourself. THIS ADVICE IS RELEVANT TO ALL PERSONS, EVEN IF YOU ONLY USE YOUR MYSPACE ACCOUNT TO PROMOTE YOUR INDIE HIPSTER PUNK JAZZ BAND.) Get your name out there, and don't be shy about telling people why you're awesome. Or why you're not awesome, because then look how self-deprecating and down-to-earth and relatable you are! If you're not trending on Twitter by next week you haven't taken this step seriously enough. Go enlist the masses and try again.
- If you are trending on Twitter, good job! You may continue reading. The next key step to being famous is to take fashion risks. Good ones, bad ones-- all the stars have both, and all of them do it. Even those who are famous for other things and clearly have no taste whatsoever create clothing lines or makeup collections or perfume ads! Why, you ask? Is it for the money? Of course not, I say. It is absolutely unequivocally 100% in all cases for love of the game. So take a fashion risk. Wear a bikini to school. Oh, you got kicked out? Sweet, now you're that girl who wore a bikini to school! Or if you're a dude, that dude who wore a bikini!
- Create your own twelve-step plan or self-help book. Flaws make you interesting, and also as an up-and-coming star, you are clearly in a position to give advice.
- Wear big hats. They look great. At least on me. If they don't look great on you, please refer back to steps 3 & 6, and wear big hats anyway.
- Make a sex tape! It was a big thing when MySpace was cool. Just kidding, don't do that. Anything that was cool when MySpace was cool is now not cool and should be strenuously avoided. (see step 5. if you do this, you are a lost cause.) Also, there is no step nine, because it is Naughty Number Nine (which is from Schoolhouse Rock and on the level of MySpace and sex tapes (get it, nine is naughty? ;) ) and none of this is fabulous, aren't you listening? Seriously, don't make a sex tape. Ugh, so passé.
- Public fights. Twitter fights are sometimes better, because the 140-character limit allows you to not fully explain yourself and remain mysteriously passive aggressive while showing off your grammatical witticisms and masterful command of TXTSPK LOL, but physical fights are definitely also celeb-worthy. I expect lots of hair-pulling and shouts of "Oh HELL no, that's my weave!" *disclaimer- physical fights are only effective if you win or if there is no clear winner. No one wants to see you lose, because if you lose then you're a loser and not a winner and thus not famous.
- Go to rehab for that nasty drug habit you've developed from the stress of translating all your clever thoughts into textspeak to publish for your loyal followers on Twitter. If you haven't developed a nasty drug habit, go to rehab for being too nice. Heck, go to rehab for problems you don't even have! That shows you are both stressed from all the struggles of being famous and proactive, thus cementing your position as an advice-giver (see step 7).
- Make a crossover to another talent field. If you act, make an album! If you sing, make a music video! If you are the boyfriend of the stepdaughter of an Olympian, get on a hit reality TV show! Oh wait... did I forgot to mention talent in the qualifications for using this plan? Huh. My bad.
