How to Survive A Horror Movie

How to survive, should you find yourself in an unpleasant movie
1. Don't go into the basement/attic/water closet/back alley/furnace room. If you are in a horror movie, call 911.


2. If you are with other people, stay together. DO NOT SPLIT UP. If you are alone, find/call someone or you are screwed.


3. Do not stop and talk to strangers. Strange men, women, men-women, animals, bears, just don't do it. Also, the car lurking outside your house probably does not wish you things you will appreciate. Like cookies.

4. Any type of masks or tomfoolery in costume is to be avoided. There will inevitably be some creeper creepin', cause that's what they do best.

5. If you are teenagers in a horror movie alone in the woods and you start hearing strange noises/start taking strange drugs, just give up now. You're already screwed. Except for you. And the murderer.

6. If you somehow manage to escape your personal torture, RUN AWAY. Do not stop and try to lock the doors, do not round corners quickly, do not make loud noises, RUN. Go get help, some for your probable PTSD, but mostly help like the police. Do not go with the police back there, they might be corrupt/leave you alone/decide it's perfectly safe after all and you should stay there for the next five weeks on extended leave for work. Go towards the road. Find a vehicle without scary people in it. Drive quickly to the nearest town. If your vehicle stops, hide. Then run. If you make it to town, discreetly rent a room in the most popular hotel in town. Quickly make friends with your busboy, so they can identify you to the police if you later turn up dead, or so he won't sell you out to your scary new "friend." If, after all this, you still decide to continue your vacation, do not pick up persons of unknown origin and do not take them home. This includes monsters, aliens, creepers, people who won't show you their face, people who look sketchy, etcetera. (Hey, maybe don't do this anyway!)

7. Don't do anything Harry Potter wouldn't do. Don't do anything Paris Hilton would do.\

Good luck! And in honor of Halloween, BOO!

(***DISCLAIMER*** If any of this happens to you in real life, be smart. Call the police. Mostly just be smart.)

If I were a secret agent

If I happened to be a secret agent...

• I would sign all my communications, "Bugs and Missiles" instead of "Hugs and Kisses"



• I would speak in one of those clicky languages (members of the Khoisan language family) but with tonal differences and mixed with Morse code at random. This, hopefully, would prevent interception and decodement.



• I would have an extremely extensive collection of disguises cached at some easily accessible but well-hidden and secure location.



• I would carry a kit with me at all times to avoid silly mistakes occurring due to lack of supplies, which would include items such as a pocketknife, a real knife, rope, a screwdriver, basic first aid, a bathing suit, a pocket radio, lipstick and other "necessary disguise items" (also good in the event of Stockholm Syndrome or need of a distraction), a mirror, a magnifying glass, (both for starting fires if necessary), a writing utensil of sorts, granola bars, a compass, glue, a hidden camera, an umbrella gun a la assassin of Georgi Markov, and a lighter. These would of course all be hidden on my person, double as jewelry, shoes, etc., or be very small so as to not be cumbersome. (@Katrina, @ Nora, @Lisa)

Despite the posting of this on the very public Internet, I would be very secret about all of this were it actually true or likely to become so. Being a secret agent would be totally awesome.

In light of the fact that I think it would be totally awesome, maybe it wouldn't be the best career path for me, and maybe I should stop watching James Bond movies on USA or TNT or TCM. Still...

My quest to become The Ultimate Nugget Master.

Ever since I was small, I have harbored a deep and abiding love for pranks and practical jokery. Sadly, as an only child, I lack opportunities to express this conviction and prove my value as a joker (or as a Riddler, even.) However, this will no longer hinder my progress. From now on, I shall vow to become the best and most sneaky pranker ever. Since there is a dearth of villains who are hiring plotting assistants in my neighborhood, I have had to set my sights on a title no villain has as of yet achieved. And no, that is not only because I have recently created it. God, have a little faith.
This title I strive to claim can be described simply as "The Ultimate Nugget Master."
Although Urban Dictionary has an alternate definition for nuggeting listed as well, I am referring to the act of turning the backpack (usually of a friend, but also for enemies) inside out and replacing all items, hopefully without getting caught. Once the backpack is full, inside out, and re-zipped, it looks like a nugget, hence the term. It has become my mission to be the most successful nuggeteer the world has ever seen.
So far, in prior attempts to reach this goal, I have:
a) Successfully nuggeted several of my friends' backpacks, pencil cases, and lunch bags
b) Successfully nuggeted one coat
c) Successfully, though somewhat painfully, nuggeted one water bottle

d) Unsuccessfully attempted to nugget various items, though these are far outweighed by my successes
and e) Claimed the title with ruthless abandon and disregard for the claims of others.
I think I'm pretty qualified.
HOWEVER, certain others who shall not be named think I should do something "big", such as nuggeting the bag of our principal, or someone's car. I've told them time and time again that this would require highly specialized equipment, like a blowtorch or a garbage compactor, but I guess they just aren't listening... Ah well. The lack of competition undeniably proves that this title should be mine. Plus the water bottle. I think perhaps I have achieved my goal. Isn't it true that any great revolutionary faces those doubters who cannot be dispelled of their beliefs? It is.

Congratulations to me! In celebration, I think I deserve ice cream. Yum.

Meet K, my pal.

Meet K. She is awesome. She has two eyes, two ears, one nose, and one mouth. She has many things to say with said mouth. Here she is.
Um, hey. how's it going? today is Friday, and, as a guest blogger, i would like to give a shoutout to our best friends in the whole wide universe. their names are [redacted] and [redacted], and they are silly but we love them. now on to more serious matters. as previously mentioned, it is Friday. the sky is gray and the air is slightly moist. and i will be right back becuase i am going to get a cookie.
Okay i'm back. i would like to discuss the problem of watching a scary show late at night when you are home all alone. it does bad things for the nerves. especially when there are lots of mirrors nearby.
another thing i would like to discuss is the importance of dark chocolate in a well-balanced diet. it has lots of antioxidants. and it tastes good. and it makes your body comfortable, hence the term comfort food. blueberries are good too. and so is facebook. i also really like nail polish. i have a lot of it. currently my nails are painted electric blue. it is a very uplifting color. i am running out of unrelated consistencies to speak about, so i will say goodbye now. goodbye.

Traffic signs are more ridiculous than your haircut.

As most self-respecting teenagers do (with the minor exception of many of my close personal friends), I have recently learned to drive. Well, technically I am still learning. I just like thinking I'm fully prepared. In any case, part of this process includes learning to recognize all the obscure, esoteric road signs I will ten-to-one never happen upon during my travels. But despite their lack of frequent occurrence, I will know them forever anyway.
But even though I'll admit they're cursed useful, I am not going to let their roadly wisdom distract me from making fun of their shapes and colors. Just because they are important does not qualify as reasonable doubt for exemption from mocking, particularly in light of their recent attempts to imitate building blocks for very, very large children. So. Let the fun begin!
STOP SIGNS: No. Why don't you stop mocking me, with your bright red octagonal form, and your extra-clear letters, most often spelling out S-T-O-P? Had I designed you, you would be quite well-shaped, with a triangular body, because everyone always stops to look at triangles (they mean mountains on maps, and mountains are good things to be aware of, so triangles might have information to impart), and you would have a skin tone in a nice shade of yellow. Yellow is reminiscent of... well, I don't know exactly what, but it makes people stop. And it is more eye-catchingly bright.
YIELD SIGNS: Yes, well. Yield signs really are fine, it's their message that should be improved upon. As a new driver, I'm still just learning to pay attention to the road, and it's quite irritating to have to pay extra attention to a sign telling me to pay attention to the road because there are going to be things in it. Probably not noticing the sign would allow me to slow down faster. But were I to redesign them, they would be round, with a green border.
RAILROADS: Honestly, railroad signs irk me. While they do let you know what's going on, they really just aren't that pleasant to look at. I think it's probably the whole intersecting-diagonal-lines-across-the-middle-of-a-circle thing. It just... interrupts the aesthetic flow.
SPEED LIMITS: If I had my way, these would be the red signs. Regulatory signs seem like they should take a more cautionary tone than simple black and white- to really get the point across, they should definitely use more colorful language. 45 MPH!!! is way more scary than 45 MPH. Besides which, I really just disappreciate the presumed need for limiting speed in general- why go somewhere if you can't there fast? And why would anyone attempt to interrupt my leaving as late as possible? I'm a growing girl, I need my sleep!
MOOSE CROSSING SIGNS: Okay, these are just awesome. I can think of nothing snarky to say about a Moose Crossing Sign. Moose are simply too wonderful and also scary to be commented on.

(yes, I took this, stopping in the middle of a state highway. oops.)

Honestly, I'm not a scary driver- I don't yell out the car window, I don't crash into things, I don't even drive over the speed limit (well, not very much, anyway). The worst thing I do is start talking like a Valley Girl when I get super-stressed. I just think that there are rather an overwhelming lot of signs to pay attention to, and it might be simpler to adhere to them all if they corresponded to my personal preferences, that's all.

Olivia Inc., redesigning traffic signs since last week ©

Discoveries from the excavation

I was cleaning my room today (big shocker, I know!) and among large amounts of various miscellaneous clothing, I also found the following things:

1. makeup, lots, in my pajama drawer



2. socks, earrings, and sand in my bathing suit drawer
   


3. headbands, nail polish, a calendar, a new penny, a hairbrush, and soap in my (otherwise empty) underwear drawer
   


4. (around my room) : my missing and much-beloved bobblehead moose



5. three fully inflated beach balls
   


6. several "misplaced" textbooks



7. a deck of dinosaur cards
   


8. shoes I thought I'd gotten rid of
   


9. some seriously awesome hats
   


10. a spare rug, in my closet
    


11. the entire Twilight series (well, that was purposefully hidden)
    


12. a large, large collection of markers
    


13. my Michael Phelps Frosted Flakes box
    


14. APUSH review flashcards I forgot I owned and found two days after the test



15. the brightest, most fabulous fuzzy socks I have ever seen. They are orange, pink, and teal with polka dots and flowers on them. They are on my feet RIGHT NOW.

Maybe I should do this more often! Ignoring the fact it desperately needed to happen, look at all the random stuff I found!

Seriously though, it'd gotten to the point where I couldn't cross my floor without making large leaps over drifts of clothes and papers. Since my jumping aim isn't as great as I'd like to say it is, it got to be a little awkward, whatwith all the crashes and bangs. Don't worry, though, I think the bruises will fade by summer.

I'm working on it.

Yeah, so I had all these great ideas for this, but now I am less inclined to act on them. I feel like this happens a lot, like I have all these wonderful ideas like turning the outside of my high school into a giant rock-climbing course, and then either my more practical friends who want to ensure I have a long natural lifespan intervene for my own safety and well-being or I remember why I thought of them in the first place, which is most often because I was procrastinating for something else I should be doing, and then I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to actually do the original thing, but guilty enough to have the fun power-vacuumed out of my newest, most updated idea. Kind of like right now. Right now, I should be studying for AP exams, which are obviously the most fun, least stressful part of my week. Calculus was yesterday, thank god. I think I avoided a 1, though, so I think I can relax for a few more hours before hunkering down again to move on to the next exam. But anyway, I should be doing that, or at the very least showering. There is a very long list awaiting me. A whole boatload. Actually, the list isn't so terrible as all that, I just really wanted to say boatload, because boats are awesome. Here, I drew one. It's extremely beautiful.

Ah well. At least it has a theme song. Which apparently I've quoted in my sleep. "....zzzzzz...I'm on a boat and, it's going fast and, I got a nautical-themed pashmina afghan...zzz..."
Ahem.

So, what I'm trying to say is, I am going to work on posting more often. Although, since I haven't said much of anything, no one cares yet. WELL. That is all going to change.

>; } <--- That right there is a world-conquering face. For conquering the world.

To: all earthlings (& also aliens, should they be interested)

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Welcome to my blog. The end.