How to Survive A Horror Movie

How to survive, should you find yourself in an unpleasant movie
1. Don't go into the basement/attic/water closet/back alley/furnace room. If you are in a horror movie, call 911.


2. If you are with other people, stay together. DO NOT SPLIT UP. If you are alone, find/call someone or you are screwed.


3. Do not stop and talk to strangers. Strange men, women, men-women, animals, bears, just don't do it. Also, the car lurking outside your house probably does not wish you things you will appreciate. Like cookies.

4. Any type of masks or tomfoolery in costume is to be avoided. There will inevitably be some creeper creepin', cause that's what they do best.

5. If you are teenagers in a horror movie alone in the woods and you start hearing strange noises/start taking strange drugs, just give up now. You're already screwed. Except for you. And the murderer.

6. If you somehow manage to escape your personal torture, RUN AWAY. Do not stop and try to lock the doors, do not round corners quickly, do not make loud noises, RUN. Go get help, some for your probable PTSD, but mostly help like the police. Do not go with the police back there, they might be corrupt/leave you alone/decide it's perfectly safe after all and you should stay there for the next five weeks on extended leave for work. Go towards the road. Find a vehicle without scary people in it. Drive quickly to the nearest town. If your vehicle stops, hide. Then run. If you make it to town, discreetly rent a room in the most popular hotel in town. Quickly make friends with your busboy, so they can identify you to the police if you later turn up dead, or so he won't sell you out to your scary new "friend." If, after all this, you still decide to continue your vacation, do not pick up persons of unknown origin and do not take them home. This includes monsters, aliens, creepers, people who won't show you their face, people who look sketchy, etcetera. (Hey, maybe don't do this anyway!)

7. Don't do anything Harry Potter wouldn't do. Don't do anything Paris Hilton would do.\

Good luck! And in honor of Halloween, BOO!

(***DISCLAIMER*** If any of this happens to you in real life, be smart. Call the police. Mostly just be smart.)